Crick Hate

So, the news is out. Mulayam Singh Yadav is to be the new coach of India for India’s Cricket Vision 2011. After toiling through the Caribbean world cup and losing to Sri Lanka and Bangladesh, it is only fitting that India should return to a coach from the mainland. Cricket is war and it is indeed apt that we should follow the footsteps of our glorious history. It was in Maharabharata that we had last sought help from somebody from the Yadav clan. I’ll leave it to Kalyug to decide whether indeed Laloo is Balram and Mulayam is Krishna but the matter of fact is that great wars did not stop with Maharabharat. Gandhar is no longer with Mama Shakuni but in keeping with the high traditions, his successors, the Taliban, have been waging a war with the modern day Bakasur (America) which is intent on devouring any trace of oil or gas found in any land.
But we are speaking of Cricket here and think solemnly why a billion prayers were less effective than a million Bangladeshi prayers. The same people, half of whose population lives as refugees in India, are able to produce 11 players who more than match up to our demi-gods – Sachin, Saurav and Sehwag. So,….. where was the problem?
The problem is with allegiance. 11 Bangladeshis in a cricket team are 11 Bangladeshi cricketers. It is that simple. So, the Bangladeshis know who and what to pray for. But 11 Indians in a cricket team have 1100 identities. For a small analogy, let me take a small detour.
In the array of avatars that Indian Gods or demi-gods take, it really makes it difficult for the Indians to pray. Tell me, how of many of us pray for Vishnu? Ah yes Ram, Krishna, Parshuram, Balaji, Vyankateshwar, Vaman, King of Nepal… Perhaps, we as worshippers are so overwhelmed by quantity of worship (name chanting) that many of us forget the essence of Vishnu somewhere in the jungle of his many names.
Similarly, our demi-gods Sachin, Dhoni and Sehwag may be cricketers per se but I have seen our prayers translating more into increased sales for Pepsi, Sona Chandi chyavanprash and Angutha lagao TVS bikes rather than runs scored from their bats.
I think here lies the lack of focus not only for the cricketers but also for the fans who pray fervently for the success of their teams. Ironically, both the fans and the cricketers focus their attention on the same thing. While Fans form the macho-magnificent image of their heros from the commercials they see, the cricketers live in a make believe world of that image when on field. That is the reason why a Yuvraj Singh dives for a ball which was anyway going to stop before him while Sehwag runs like Carl lewis to beat the ball to the boundary (the poor ball follows to take the Silver medal!)! These are the kind of people who will finish last in a race even if they are the only ones running in that race!
Hence, it is time for Mulayam Singh Yadav to part with his experience to make the Indian Team as great as his Uttam Pradesh. As a former wrestler, he is also bringing together a strong fitness regime apart from the top notch hi-tech management team that will help him put his plans into action. To start with, all the players will have to play in a Dhoti. Dhoti will ensure that proper air circulation is maintained in the areas where our cricketers have their brains. Dhoti will also serve a cricketing purpose. Indian bats are unable to find contact with the ball. Hence, the ball would now get entangled in the Dhoti and the batsmen will be able to run till the other team’s players remember their class 12th probability lessons and mull their odds of getting the ball out of the Dhoti (or was it the Hat?).
Anyway, you will get to read about the rules in the newspapers. Lets talk about Mulayam’s team of consultants.

Raja Bhaiya – He will impart the training of ‘wicket capturing’ to the players. In the event of any opposition player staying for more than 2 overs at the wicket, the players will kick the bails off the wicket. The real art would be in convincing the Batsman to accept that he is out and walk to the pavilion. For that, adequate supply of “Kattas” – countrymade pistols, will be provided during the drinks break.

Mukhtar Ansari – He will supply the umpires for the match and pyres for the umpires who do not meet the match.

Amitabh Bachchan – He will feature in an inspiring ad-campaign “Indian team mein hai dum, kyunki inki Dhoti mein hai bomb”

Anil Ambani – He will market the famous Dhoti brand, MahinderSingh Dhoti!
and last but not the least,

Moninder Singh Pandher – All the team members not performing as expected would be sent to Nithari for a Personal Contact Programme.

This is Amar Singh, signing off for the day. Catch you tomorrow, same time for some exciting cricket updates and guess which great cricketing mind will be joining me tomorrow??........ Bedi! Awe not Bishen Singh..... Mandira Bedi!!